I wrote the Rumple and misogyny essay but there was a thunderstorm and the power went out and now it’s GONE. I can recreate it but it’ll have to wait until I have another streak of little ninja-free time (ha ha). Sigh.

Anonymous said: Hi Screwball Ninja, I absolutely love your essays!! I was reading the episode reviews when I noticed that there wasn't one for 3x13 or 3x14. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to review those. I'd live to hear your thoughts, especially for the Witch Hunt episode.

I’m very sorry, Anon, but I don’t think I have time at the moment to go back and rewatch episodes from the Zelena arc.

But I will tell you what’s up next on the docket sometime in the near-ish future:

  1. Is Rumple a Misogynist? (Short answer: No, but he should probably stop killing all those women.)
  2. Why the Timey-Wimey Aspect of the Finale Worked for Me (Short answer: this show needs structure otherwise it flounders)
  3. Redemption Song (Villain redemption arcs and what it means to be redeemed)
Tags: Anonymous

Anonymous said: Do you see Emma and Hook as a long term relationship or just a fling? I'm not entirely sold on the idea of the Emma Swan/Killian Jones relationship being end game. Any thoughts?

I don’t know that ANYBODY’S end game for Emma, because Emma’s in a perpetual love triangle … and the third person is DEATH.

Shut up, Hades

Let’s recap the fate of Emma’s love interests, shall we?

It was only a kiss/ How could it end up like this?

Wait a minute, I didn’t even kiss her!

Our monkey love was canon … until she dropped me off a building

At least it’s not another portal

*cue JAWS music playing*

Maybe that’s the real reason the writers aren’t pursuing Swan Queen— because they fear for Regina’s safety.

Back off, I’m too popular to die!

In any case, we’ll just have to wait and see. I think whoever is end game for Emma will only be revealed in the series finale, whenever that may be. For right now, it’s enough that her paramours stay alive and kicking for an entire season. Good luck, Hook!

Other OUAT Essays Here

Disclaimer: ALL GIFS ARE NOT MINE, and are found using Google Animated Image Search. If you see your gif, please let me know and I will credit you or remove it, as you desire.

FYI, if you bought plums, peaches, nectarines, or pluots from Wegmans from June 1st to July 12th, THROW THEM OUT: there’s a recall for potential Listeria contamination from a California packing company.

Article with full list of infected fruit and things here

Of course I’ve been having plums for the past month. *shakes fist at fruit trees* On one hand, it’s nice to finally be told about this— but being told about it A MONTH AFTER you may have eaten infected fruit is not really helpful.

pissedoffatouat said: why is it easy to accept Rumpelstiltskin's death as bold storytelling, even though it's sad, but Neal's "death" feels fake and impossible to accept?

I have no problem accepting Neal’s death because we saw the body AND the funeral and, more damningly, they broke out the Cello Music of Doom (tm).

There’s always room for cello!

But I agree Rumple’s death felt way more satisfying than Neal’s, probably because Rumple broadcasted his death for a whole season. We knew “the boy would be Rumple’s undoing” since the middle of S2, Rumple told Belle he was going on a one-way trip to Neverland in the S2 finale, and Rumple was shouting about dying for Henry for ALL of S3A. So when Rumple actually kicked the bucket to save his family it was satisfying instead of shocking.

Foreshadowing: Doing It Right

With Neal we had JUST gone through his “death” in the S2 finale, so him dying in the middle of S3B seemed kind of “been there, done that.” However, for just this once I’m going to ignore my “ONLY care about what we see in the episodes” philosophy and point out that I’m 90% sure the actor who plays Nealfire wanted out of the show. There were rumors from reliable sources to that effect, AND the actor tweeted official denials of this, AND the writers officially denied it: in my book, Solid Rumors + Official Denials mean the original rumors are true. So just this once I think we have to give the writers a break because they did their best to work Neal’s death into Zelena’s arc in a respectful way to his character— Neal said goodbye to everybody, died a hero to save his dad, and there was a touching funeral. It’s not like Neal randomly fell over a tree root, conked his head and died without anybody noticing.

What did NOT happen

What I find fascinating is that some Nealfire fans were upset that Snowing named their baby Neal, saying they should have named the baby Baelfire. But aren’t Baelfire and Neal THE SAME PERSON? If you love Baelfire but are ‘meh’ about Neal then the writers have failed to link the two, and that’s a big reason why I think Nealfire didn’t get that much love from the fans (see that essay here!). In any case, I’m afraid Nealfire is gone for good except for flashbacks (and those will probably be with young Baelfire).

Anonymous said: I really enjoy reading your essays. Since you seem to have a clear-eyed view of Rumbelle, I was hoping you might write an essay addressing whether or not Rumpel has ever prioritized Belle and their relationship. Ever since the Dagger of Duplicity, I've been rethinking everything that's happened between Rumpel and Belle and can't think of a single case in which he's put her ahead of his own needs and wishes. Thanks!

As with all things rumbelle, the answer is a bit complicated. I think Rumple absolutely values Belle’s needs, but the first thing he prioritizes is her SAFETY .  . . which, due to a combination of self-loathing and bitter experience, he translates into “Belle’s safety = her being far, far away from him.” Let’s recap:

  • Regina locked her away for a million years because of him
  • Hook attacked her and shot her and stole her memories because of him
  • Regina turned her into a pool-playing alternate personality because of him
  • Zelena tried to kill her and knocked her out because of him
  • I bet Elsa is going to turn Belle into a temporary Belle-sicle because of him

Is it any wonder that Rumple thinks the greatest gift he can give Belle is her freedom? (That, and libraries.) That’s why he lets her go, and kicks her out, and tells her he’s still a monster, and tells her to run away because of Zelena (twice), etc. On one hand, telling the woman he clearly adores to go away due to safety concerns shows how much he loves her— but on the OTHER hand, it’s kind of annoying that he’s trying to override Belle’s desire to date the hell out of him.

You tell ‘im, Belle!

Also, part of Rumple’s redemption arc is to see HIMSELF capable of love, hence his “I was an enemy of love” line in his wedding vows. Before the finale, Rumple had some teeny-tiny self-esteem issues.

image

"How to Self-Esteem" by Rumple

Rumple was so convinced their relationship wouldn’t work long-term that he was even short with his IMAGINARY girlfriend in Neverland.

Boo, Rumple!

Rumple is initially dismissive of Belle’s wishes to be with him forever, but he changes his mind over time as Belle proves her affection (and resilience to amnesia). Here’s Rumple’s romantic arc in a nutshell:

  • S1: No-one could ever love me
  • S2: Okay, you love me, but you won’t when you learn about my past
  • S3A: Okay, you love ALL of me but we have no future because I’m going to die
  • S3B: Apparently death’s got nothing on a woman determined to be with her sparkly imp. Let’s go steady, baby.
  • S3 Finale: Let’s get hitched.

That’s Rumple’s big S3 arc, really— his slow seduction into being a dedicated romantic suitor to Belle. Naturally, using Belle as an accessory to murder after the fact against her stated wishes for his vengeance kick is going to put a crimp on the honeymoon … but hey, it’s a process.

*conjugal kissy-face*

Anonymous said: I think the RumBelle Storybrooke mirror article is fake. RumBelle, especially Rumple, are such private people, their wedding was a small intimate occasion, would they really announce to the whole of Storybrooke that they are getting married? Also there is a BTS picture of Elsa holding the folded up newspaper where you can actually see some of the headlines. There's something about a "heritage trail" and a "laughing gargoyle" not RumBelle unfortunately.

What pictures are you referring to, Anon? Because the picture I saw was this one, which shows the rumbelle headline. We know that Giancarlo Esposito (Mr. Magic Mirror to you) is in the initial episode(s?) of S4, so it would make sense that the rumbelle marriage would make headlines if we can have Sydney Glass there to rumor-monger. Besides, why would someone bother to photoshop a newspaper headline in a behind the scenes, unofficial photo?

I’m going to shave with Occam’s razor on this one and assume the pic I linked to with the rumbelle headline is legit until we see otherwise. But if anyone has other pics that show a different headline, please let me know!

balistener:

villainandhero:

I have been laughing at this picture for the last five minutes.

Belle: *sigh* this is like in the romantic movies. I’m coming Rumple!Neal: I have no idea what’s going on but I’m running anywayRegina: OUT OF THE WAY BITCHES MY PEOPLE HENRY NEEDS MEEmma: holy f she’s fast how did my parents winGranny: I’m not sure why I’m in this scene where is Ruby she should be here


How on Earth does Emilie manage to run in those things is beyond me.

balistener:

villainandhero:

I have been laughing at this picture for the last five minutes.

Belle: *sigh* this is like in the romantic movies. I’m coming Rumple!
Neal: I have no idea what’s going on but I’m running anyway
Regina: OUT OF THE WAY BITCHES MY PEOPLE HENRY NEEDS ME
Emma: holy f she’s fast how did my parents win
Granny: I’m not sure why I’m in this scene where is Ruby she should be here

How on Earth does Emilie manage to run in those things is beyond me.

Reblogged from #FangirlaConMe

Anonymous said: hey what storybrooke mirror picture is everyone talking about / who's engaged??

rumplestiltskin:

Belle and Rumple got married. And the headline says Mr. Gold to marry Belle French.

Reblogged from unleash the munki

Anonymous said: Hello my lovely, this is the snuggle fairy bringing you hugs and wishing you a wonderful day! =) <3

And the same to you, Snuggle Fairy!

Tags: Anonymous

The Dungeon-Dwelling Unlikely Love Interests Club’s First Annual Meeting

Morning Session: Romance

"Snide Opening Remarks "by Professor Snape

"How to Survive Awkward Family Dinners" by Hades

"The Servant Question" by Rumpelstiltskin

"May/December March/September Romances” by Hades

"How to Show the Man Under the Mask" by Rumpelstiltskin

"How to Put the Mask Back On Afterwards" by The Phantom of the Opera

Guest Speaker: “Best of Breed: Know Your Horses” by Loki Lauffeyson

[Light lunch provided by Hades; chamber music courtesy of the Phantom]

Afternoon Session: Household Maintenance and Personal Hygiene

"Debate Panel: Mirrors— Help or Hindrance?"

"Chandelier Repair for Dummies" by the Phantom of the Opera

"Finding The Greasy Hairstyle that’s Right for You" by Professor Snape

"Perfumes for the Mostly Dead" by The Phantom of the Opera

"Perfumes for the Entirely Dead" by Hades

"Perfumes that are Actually Poison" by Rumpelstiltskin

"Poisons that are Actually Perfumes" by Professor Snape

[Dinner provided by Snape; antidotes provided by Rumpelstiltskin]

Evening Session: Useful Advice

"Self-Control" by Rumpelstiltskin

"How to Take Things Slowly" by Hades

"How to Propose" by The Phantom of the Opera

"How to Inspire Your Students" by Professor Snape

Guest Speaker: “How to Be Somebody Else” by Loki Cora Loki? Cora?

Anonymous said: That's a pretty solid bit of Hogwarts sorting for Belle. Now I'm getting cute ideas with Slytherin!Rumple and Gryffindor!Belle being at school and having a roller coaster of a relationship. :3

nothingeverlost:

theevilanonblog:

nothingeverlost:

screwballninja:

I don’t know if someone’s written this yet, but if they haven’t, you should have a go at it, Anon! The more fic the merrier.

I have a whole verse that’s Griffindor!Belle and Hufflepuff!Rum (her defense against the dark arts teacher)  I can’t see Rum as Syltherin, because he doesn’t want power for power’s sake, but for what it gets him.  

He’s loyal and he’s a hard worker (300 years on a single curse, for a single goal) as well as being a caretaker.  Hufflepuffs are mother hens, and look at Rum with his ‘she didn’t have anything warm to wear’ and ‘at least come out and eat something’ and being primary caretaker for Bae.

Please write this I think I need this….

Okay, so this is a pretty complex verse.  It stretches out, so far, about 15 years, and starts with Belle as a student.  Rum is one teacher (Archie, Kathryn, Maleficent are others.) Dumbledore is headmaster.

Belle is what would be the same as Marauder’s era.  She’s at school when the first war is brewing.  Snow and Charming as a couple of years ahead of her, Ruby is a couple of years behind.  Rum plays somewhat of a Sirius Black role, though he’s more like Remus.  Emma is like Harry, born almost at the end of the war.  Snow and Charming don’t die, though.

The first part is a bit lighter, the romance between student and teacher.  War is brewing, though.  Then comes the end of war, and Belle is captured and held prisoner for 11 years.  There’s a few fic bits in this time.  Then there’s 11 years after the war, and things are brewing again.  Belle is found and rescued.  Rum escapes Azkaban.  And there’s a whole new generation at Hogwarts.

Before the first war

Archimedes - Belle’s new owl

Patronus - Belle, Rum, and a lesson

The Coming Darkness - Rum, Belle, and a bogart

September 1st, Belle’s Seventh Year 

Yule Ball - Rum and Dumbledore talk

Room of Requirement - rumbelle

Practice - a few rumbelle kisses

After the first war

Victory - The war is over

September 1st, Aurora’s First Year

Sorting - Aurora’s first year

NEWTS - Aurora, Mulan, and Philip talk

It begins again (eleven years after the war ended)

Alone - Belle and Dumbledore

It Begins Again - Snow and David visit Azkaban, and Rumpelstiltskin (the first fic)

Less Alone - Graham learns that he’s not the only one staying in the hospital wing

Snow - Belle takes a walk

Notes - Rum finds a way to talk to Belle

September 1st, Archie as a teacher

September 1st, Maleficent as a teacher

Greatest Treasure - Dumbledore and Emma have a conversation

September 1st Graham’s Sixth Year (and Emma’s Third)

Revelation - Emma is pissed

Flirting - Graham and Emma

Reblogged from Nothing is Ever Lost

Domestic Ninjas #4

Me: Eww, the little ninja just spit up on my arm.

Mr. Ninja: That’s nothing, she drooled on my chest hair.

Me: She hocked in my cleavage.

Mr. Ninja: She ralphed down my back.

Me: She sneezed in my mouth.

Mr. Ninja: Oh, she does that to everybody.

Me: Wait— is this a contest you really want to win?

Mr. Ninja: …

Me: …

Mr. Ninja: Good point— you take her, then. *hands over little ninja*

Anonymous said: That's a pretty solid bit of Hogwarts sorting for Belle. Now I'm getting cute ideas with Slytherin!Rumple and Gryffindor!Belle being at school and having a roller coaster of a relationship. :3

nothingeverlost:

screwballninja:

I don’t know if someone’s written this yet, but if they haven’t, you should have a go at it, Anon! The more fic the merrier.

I have a whole verse that’s Griffindor!Belle and Hufflepuff!Rum (her defense against the dark arts teacher)  I can’t see Rum as Syltherin, because he doesn’t want power for power’s sake, but for what it gets him.  

He’s loyal and he’s a hard worker (300 years on a single curse, for a single goal) as well as being a caretaker.  Hufflepuffs are mother hens, and look at Rum with his ‘she didn’t have anything warm to wear’ and ‘at least come out and eat something’ and being primary caretaker for Bae.

Reblogged from Nothing is Ever Lost

andante1987 said: Hey Screwball, Rumple never gets any credit for all the good things he does: giving good advice, stopping wars, bringing true love together, making sleeping curse nightmare-be-gone. He has healed, saved, and helped countless people. He answers nearly everyone who calls on him - even if he can't give them what they want. Yet, everyone gets offended when they find out he doesn't work for free, Any chance you could do an essay on the yin in rumple's yang?

rumpleshtiltskin:

0ceanofdarkness:

screwballninja:

You’ve started the essay without me! :-) I think you’re absolutely right that Rumple’s done a lot of good in his long life, but I think people don’t appreciate what good he does for the following reasons:

  • When people make deals with him, they’re desperate, so they probably project their anger at their situation on Rumple
  • All magic comes with a price, and we know that price is something painful and personal to the person receiving the magic— again, that’s not something people are happy about
  • Once you make a deal there’s no backsies so it’s deal in haste, repent at leisure (see: Cinderella). There is the occasional contract renegotiation, but for that you’ve got to have something Rumple wants AND be sneaky as hell (see: Cora).
  • Rumple’s a bit of a sarcastic stinker— his personality is NOT helping people make decisions at a stressful time

image

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And, in fairness, most of Rumple’s quasi-altruistic acts have STILL been selfish because they’re either helping him get back to his son (helping Snowing to get their True Love potion, encouraging Emma so she can break the curse) or helping family (killing Pan to save Belle and Bae).

In fact, I can only think of three truly altruistic acts:

  • Letting Belle go x infinity (although this was more being an emotional coward the first time)
  • Helping young Henry heal from the sleeping curse
  • Stopping the Ogre Wars (although we didn’t see this on-screen so it’s hard to say how this went)

But let me know if I’ve missed a few!

three points…

1. I’m pretty sure Cora fucked up that whole renegotiation thing for everybody… EVER

2. The first time he let Belle go to fetch straw, I think it was completely altruistic. He had no reason to be afraid of TLK or any reason to think she had feelings for him beyond a little flirting. I think he just wanted to give her an out so she could have a life because he realized she deserved to be happy, and that was more important to him than his own abandonment issues. He wouldn’t have been so thrilled that she came back to him otherwise - mr imma-just-run-down-these-stairs-instead-of-magic-because-Belle!

3. Reagrdless of what he did or did not get out of it, he did do a fair amount of good and help plenty of people. I doubt he cared if he left good or ill in his wake as long as it served his ends… but the good should still get counted in the good column if people came out with a win because of their dealings with Rumple Bumple, regardless of whether there was a price or no… I’m looking at you, Charmings!

Not to mention he went to save Henry at the risk of his life which wasn’t selfish. He also had to face his abusive father to do so. 

Then, he sacrificed his life to save his family. Again, not selfish. 

He also gave up the dagger to prolong Neal’s life. Doing so, he gave up both his freedom and his sanity. 

You raise some excellent points. I’ll grant you Rumple’s murder/suicide routine with Pan counts as selfless, but I hesitate to count Rumple going to Neverland because that was to erase his sin of trying to kill Henry in the first place. But sure, all bravery for others counts.

Reblogged from The Dark One